The only survival, the only meaning

Jun 23, 2021

It’s Prime day(s), the billionaires aren’t paying taxes, and my hackles are raised. I woke up around 4 a.m. last Wednesday with the urgent certainty that I needed to publish a list of reasons Amazon is terrible for the book world, a minor pushback against the onslaught of Prime day content. I talked to Danny Caine, owner of Raven Bookstore in Kansas and author of How to Resist Amazon and Why, and landed on a list of Amazon/Audible alternatives — places to get affordable books, e-books, and audiobooks without supporting Jeff Bezos and his “Rube Goldberg machine of human suffering.” The post that went up today is a version of that, though I wasn’t allowed to frame it around Amazon, which is to say I wasn’t allowed to get at the very thing of it, to talk about why a reader might want to switch. And I get it; I know it’s complicated. But also: BuzzFeed Books newsletter subscribers got multiple emails about Prime deals this week without my consent. I’m still explaining why I’d really rather not collaborate with Amazon even though they’d likely be the most profitable. I know you’re probably reading this like: Well, duh? And, sure. What can I expect, reasonably?

I’m trying to hone the despair of this moment, to better see its shape. It’s not that I believe that these things I want to do — publishing a post about alternatives to Amazon, omitting Amazon from BuzzFeed Books full stop — could put any significant dent into the Amazon empire. It’s more that I feel very helpless, even frantic, looking around like, Aren’t you angry? Aren’t you terrified? It’s more that this tiny stance, one with such minimal consequences, still has to be a fight, and one I am, again and again, losing.

I’ve been sitting with this and crying too easily (as always) and asking myself why I’m letting it get to me. It feels stupid! Really I just feel stupid. But it also feels desperate, this growing and unwieldy rage, so I’m erring on the side of risk, possibly making myself a liability for the sake of easing the weight of my own conscience, knowing I’m doing what I can with the power I have to work toward the world I want, trying to figure out how to do more.

Here’s what I’ve been reading and loving:

Empire of Pain: The Secret History of the Sackler Dynasty, Patrick Radden Keefe

This was my introduction to Patrick Radden Keefe; here he investigates the family whose company Purdue Pharma invented Oxycontin, setting off the opioid epidemic with, so far, little consequence. It’s fascinating, infuriating, dare I say….. radicalizing 😏 I listened to the audiobook, narrated by Keefe, and it basically felt like a podcast I couldn’t wait to return to. I’m still thinking about it.

Bewilderment, Richard Powers (out in September)

A widowed astrobiologist tries to ease his precocious and misunderstood 9-year-old son through the reality of existence in a world — heartbreaking in its likelihood— that is much further along in its destruction than our own. Aye yi yi, friends. It’s a doozy.

The Bridge of San Luis Rey, Thornton Wilder

If you want to understand why I am the way that I am, know that my dad sent this to the family chat apropos of nothing, the first and only “quote of the day” he’s ever sent:

The Bridge of San Luis Rey is a slim little beauty (~175 pages) about five strangers who die when the bridge they’re crossing collapses, and a monk who witnesses the accident and tries to make sense of it. I read it way too young to appreciate it, likely because I knew how much my dad loved it, and his text inspired me to pick it up again. It was worth the revisit.

Somebody Loves You by Mona Arshi (out in November)

Another under-200-pages novel (realizing as I’m writing this that maybe my love of short stories is shifting to novellas??), this one is a fragmented story of a young girl who gives up talking while dealing with her mother’s depression. Lush interiority, poetic insight. Just very, very beautiful.

Parwana, Durkhanai Ayubi / The Intuitive Eating Workbook, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

A twofer! I, like everyone, have been cooking and baking a lot more in the past year, and it turns out I actually like it? And let me tell you, every dish I’ve made from Parwana has been a banger. The lamb kofta? Outstanding. The almond cookies? I’ve made at least five batches. Keep in mind that I am a very unskilled cook, and yet the recipes are so good they compensate for my lack.

I’m able to enjoy these delicious meals and treats in large part because of The Intuitive Eating Workbook, which I really and truly cannot recommend highly enough. Rachel Krantz included it in her excellent list of books that helped her develop a healthier relationship with food, and I literally bought it before I even finished editing the post. Liberating.

The Next Novel, Shayne Terry

Shayne is another friend and writer who is MADDENING in her discipline (shout-out, as always, to Katie) and her newsletter about working on her novel has been a great push to, if not actually pick up my own book again, then at least very seriously consider it. Highly recommend for anyone interested in creative process and practice.